It is the thirty-first day of July, year two thousand and seven.
I am and have been experiencing the deepest loneliness of my life over the past couple of months. I have been with an adequate number of people, and even now I type this I sit at the kitchen table beside my roommate. And yet, loneliness still lingers in the shadowed ally-ways of my soul. It is as if there is something quite profound absent from my life. I do not know what will bring about fulfillment.
All I do know is that the hope of fulfillment is the only thing that has kept me from the brink of depression these summer days. Ironic, isn’t it? Summer is supposed to be the season of carefree play and love. This year, my summer-sun has been crowded out by black & blue storm clouds.
When I am faced with this emptiness, I am faced with reality. I begin asking questions like “What am I doing with my life?” “Am I aiming for more than paying the bills?” “What am I doing outside myself?” “What am I delighting in?” “What is the significance of loneliness?” “What am I longing for?” “What is there worth longing for?” These metaphysical questions take on a new importance and urgency. I am forced to reevaluate, not only my life, but the meaning of all life: the purpose in Earth, sky, man, woman, ocean, sunshine, Africa, art, apples, kindness, pets, poverty, work, play, and everything common to man.
But then I realize, I am thinking too much. The real problem is not “why why why” – but purely that I am lonely. I have too much time on my hands, and I am alone. I was not made to be alone. I was made for communion. A single soul is a sad soul. It is when souls combine that a choir can form and rejoice. The Army is not really an army of one…but of many united by one goal. That is their strength. That should be their slogan. “Power in numbers,” I hear it all the time. Now I know it’s true.
You see, along with this loneliness, comes disenchantment. I have all these ideals, all these dreams of making an impact (no matter how small) on this Earth. But I’m like a race-car driver without a car, and without a pit-crew. When I’m by myself, the answers to the questions become jumbled. I forget my left from my right. I forget why I want to impact anything, and sometimes what I want to impact. But when I am not alone, when I am in community with like minded friends, I not only remember the answers, but why the answers make sense because I see the answer right in front of me: love. Love love love. Love is all you need. And Love is the answer.
And I’m not really even talking romantic love. I heard Shane Claiborne say in an interview “You can live without sex, but you can’t live without love.” An ancient phrase echoes this thought. It wisely states: “It is not good for man to be alone.” There is a catch, though. Togetherness, or love, only solves the crisis of loneliness if it works together towards a goal, and with a purpose. The first man was given a woman to help him in his task of naming the beasts and cultivating the Earth. God did not give the first man a woman simply for frolicking naked in the fields all day, or binging on the fruit of the garden. They had a task.
The task, the common goal, binds the hearts of people together. Relationships deepen as individuals work, side by side, with a common passion. Soon, it is hard to see two people. The two have merged. A body has been formed. Each part carrying out its task; a small tile in a beautiful mosaic. Life is full of paradoxes. One of the greatest is that fulfillment of self is most rightly found in the loss of self.
Tonight, as I began to type, I planned on philosophizing about loneliness and other issues of life. It seems, instead, I have only succeeded in establishing that which I already know: “It is not good for man to be alone.” For now, I can only wait for God to create an Eve in my life. Perhaps Adam had many frustrating months before his community magically appeared, flesh from his dreaming, answer to his night’s tears and prayers. God has his purpose in these months. So I’m going to try to be content with my discontent, and dream about my Eve, my community that is coming, and ask God what my task - our task, will be. Every Adam and Eve, every community, has its own unique task. Joseph and Mary were to parent the Messiah. Abraham and Sarah serve(d) as examples of faith for generations by following God on curvy paths, blindfolded. The disciples recorded Jesus’ life, and explained him to the next generation.
If you have been given your community, have you discovered your task? Are you lonely? Can you begin to dream, to sketch what the individuals around you could create as a body, in unity? Too long have we lived aimlessly and alone. We have forgotten what was spoken at the beginning. We have neglected Eve, and lost Eden.
