"Winter Light"

Last night I watched Ingmar Bergman's "Winter Light." A very brutal summary of the film: Bergman portrays a pastor realizing that he doesn't really believe in God and maybe never did. There is a very pivotal moment where the Pastor asks himself, "If God doesn't exist, does it really make any difference?" Absurdities remain absurdities and atrocities actually become more simple because they are not complicated by the Divine.

But I wondered, what about the opposite question: If God does exist, does it make any difference?


Something to consider as you fall asleep :-D

...

We each have a dream...

I lied. There will be no pictures of the play in this issue...I still haven't uploaded them to the Mac.

Wowee what a day. This was my second weekend gathering with the people of Missio Dei. I am blown away by their hearts. They have only been here around 9 months and moved to Asheville for basically the same reason I did....they like it here and God told them to. They have a real burden for the city and lots of vision and plans for getting involved in the community. It is great to be in unity with people of vision. We spent a long time in prayer today...another thing I like: they recognize the importance of prayer and dependance on the Spririt. I find I talk and think about praying and depending on the Spirit, but practice both a lot less. That needs to change...

I can be a real ditz sometimes. I was sitting here wondering what weird noise I was hearing. It was getting louder and louder...

I do enjoy a good cup 'o tea before bed. It was the boiling tea-pot. Moving on...

I just started reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's "Life Together." It's a book all about living in community with other believers. This is something I desperately want to experience in my life, probably long-term, as a lifestyle. I would love to have a house close to dowtown Asheville with other believers. I have shared this dream with some of you. I imagine a house vibrant with the love of Jesus and love for one another that is very involved in the community and the lives of our neighbors. It's a complicated dream, but not impossible. Sarah Kilgore prophesied that people would come along-side me to help shoulder the vision; this encourages me. She mentioned it in conversation at the dinner table, but it was a phrase annointed by God...it was prophecy.

Classes start tommorow for me...the door to a whole other realm of experiences is about to open. here we go!

"We each have a dream, a vision of life that corresponds to our convictions, embodies our uniqueness, and expresses what is life-giving within us...A life of integrity is born of fidelity to the dream." Brennan Manning

Agony of Da-Feet

I haven't forgotten about this blog! It's been on my mind to update for a while, but I feel defeated before I begin because so much has happened I don't know how or what to say without writing an entire book. Since the last blog, I have travelled to N. Georgia and back to Statesville, with lots of lovely experiences in-between and on the way.

A dream of my life came true on Monday, August 6th. I saw 100 Portraits live @ the Kilgore homestead. People that I love dearly gathered at a home I call a second home to listen to my favorite musicians - how perfect?!? Ben and Robin Pasley make up the band 100 Portraits (www.100portraits.com). They are so secure in and freed by the love of Jesus...they literally radiate with his love, and it's a beautiful thing. I pray that I will one day actually let God love me like that, to believe that he wants to. I have had this song stuck in my head, and in my CD-player since the show:

"When you found me hiding out, I thought you would take a hammer to my brow, but you pushed away the crowd and cried and pressed your lips against my head..."

Overall, the summer has just been one gigantic message from God of "I really do freaking love you Nicole, more than you could know, and more than you will let yourself experience."

I am almost done with Brenan Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel. The whole "God loves you passionately" bit is the theme of his book too. I am so perplexed as to why I find it so hard to believe? Why is it such a struggle to remain in God's love? Any thoughts?

Along that line, I was thinking about my Grandpa Tony the other day. When he was alive, he loved me purely, and I never doubted it. The thing is, though, that he loved me simply for being alive. It's like that with families...or, it should be like that with families. In a family, you are loved just because you "are." I think that's why God has placed us in families; so that we can learn that love isn't earned, it's a free gift, there are no strings attached, you don't have to jump through hoops to get it.

I have done a lot of sighing over the past couple of months. Deep sighs of longing for more of God's love. It's there for the taking.

So, I continue to realize I am religious and not really in love with God like I should be. I continue to discover more and more areas of my heart that need to be freed, and unbound. It's a long road, but a good one.

Welp. That's all I know. Actually, there is lots more, but my battery is dying and I am tired. Two dying batteries. I have to get up early tommorow to REGISTER for classes at UNCA. waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Next issue: pics from 100 Portraits and Cyrano DeBergerac in the Monford park, and a lesson I learned from a melon.

My First Official...

DRUM CIRCLE!

Last night, I attended my first official drum circle as an Asheville resident. For those of you who don't know - every Friday night AVL residents (and some tourists) gather at a park downtown to drum and dance for a good three to four hours. I was at home working on a sketch that wasn't turning out so good when I remembered that it was drum circle night. I spotted my friend Regina (again!) almost as soon as I arrived at the park. I sat on the mulch on the out-skirts of the circle for long time observing and praying. The drum circle is a spiritually intense event. In my mind, watching the passion of the people as they dance and beat their drums with such fervor, it is a visiual of people who are desperate for the reality of God. I spent about twenty minutes debating whether or not I was going to get up and dance. I really wanted to - I love to dance - but the wretched demon of public opionion, which too often keeps me from truly living, was trying to hold me back. I decided, however, that if I, as one who knows Jesus and his love, as one who rests securely in that place, if I can not get up and dance with freedom and with joy for being alive...then who can, really? If these people who do not know Jesus can get out and dance simply because they are happy to be alive, then I should certainly be able to dance! So I did. I also made friends with Luke, Regina's two-year-old boy and together we danced like crazy. It is a beautiful thing when a child opens up to you and trusts you as a friend. It makes me think of how God must feel when we hold our hands up to dance with him, in a simple act of trust.

I found myself wishing that the ones I love the most could be there dancing crazy with me. Julianne, Coda, Crystal, Lynz, Amanda, Allison, Kori, Sarah, GCF folks, Beth, and espeically Katie Wetmore (her dancing skills are quite impressive).

I also thought: this is the type of gathering that Christians should have on a regular basis. People who know Jesus and his beautiful, life-giving love should be dancing like crazy people in the park, yelling, and beating drums as hard as they can. Shouldn't we? Shouldn't we be the people that are so free, and so excited, so full of joy that we just can't contain it?

Damn straight. Like the last post said: we should throw better parties. The Drum Circle only confirmed this.

Let's start throwing better parties

The past couple of days were supposed to be boring, but ended up being pretty jam-packed. I guess I never realized it, but I like being busy. I like having projects, tasks, meetings, events, and just enough peaceful time thrown into the mix.
Tuesday and Thursday I rode my bike into town. This has been a very rewarding experience. Bike riding slows me down, quite literally, and I am able to take better notice of what’s around me, as compared to whizzing by everything at 40 MPH. Grant it, I have had a little extra time on my hands lately, so biking might not be the practical form of transportation all the time. However, I plan on doing it as often as I can. It’s one of those “little things” (Mother Teresa) I can do individually to make a positive impact on the environment and society. It makes a positive impact on my body, too, which is a nice side effect.
I wasn’t exactly sure how long it would take me to get downtown, and I ended up arriving a bit early. I was headed to a restaurant at 2:30 to turn in an application. Since I arrived early, I had time to wash up and spray some perfume on in the bathroom at the Mast General Store (you work up a good sweat walking & biking four miles in August). Refreshed, I checked out some stores that I had wanted to look around in. At one store, I ended up talking with a very nice woman named Tammy for quite a while. I hope to remain friends with her. It’s easy to maintain friendships here once you establish them. It’s a large city with a small town feel.
The next day, I stopped by her store again and we chatted a while longer. I also went to the French Broad Food Co-Op Organic farmer’s market. Ever since I was a little girl, I have associated certain things with a very romanticized aura. Lattes, walking a dog in a park, rocking chairs, tea, sun-dresses, bakeries, and apparently, organic open-air markets all elicit feelings of the beautiful, good, and romantic. There I was, in Asheville, a city of art and activists, I had ridden my bike into town, and was now walking around a parking lot full of organic farmers chatting with people they knew by name. It was a surreal moment for me. People were selling beautifully bright flowers, red ripe tomatoes, crisp green beans, and all other kinds of treasures grown from God’s earth.
Lately, when I pray at meals, I have been trying to pray very conscious that my food comes directly from God. I usually tell God something like this “Thank you, Father, that I have dinner. Thank you for the rain that nourished the ground and caused this food to grow. Thank you for the people, that you made, that cultivated the land. Thank you that this food goes into my body and makes me strong and healthy and gives me energy. Thank you for how you provide for my needs.” It has been a very edifying thing to really make myself think about the origins of the food I’m eating. It has taken what used to be a common moment of the day and transformed it into a really spiritual moment of thanksgiving with the Lord. And it reminds me of the goodness of the Lord, which, for me, is a hard concept to digest.
My back-pack full of potatoes, green-beans, hummus, grapes, and corn chips, I decided to head back home to shower and enjoy the spoils. I had parked my bike right in front of the Asian Bistro. As I approached my bike, I realized a friend I had made through The Underground was having lunch directly in front of where I had parked at the restaurant’s outdoor seating. I couldn’t remember her name. I was torn between Gina and Katrina…Regina invited me to join her. I sipped some water and, among other things, we talked about UNCA where she is an art major. Hydrated, we hugged and parted, and I pedaled my little self back to the house where I was glad to take a cold shower.
Later that night I headed out (by car :-D ) to play Frisbee. I know I’ve already mentioned it, but I love Frisbee people! It is such a great community. God’s beautiful orchestration of events continues to amaze me. Just like my bike being parked right in front of Regina’s choice for lunch, another friend from The Underground, Jenny, has an Uncle who ended up being one of the top-dogs in the Frisbee league. He invited me for beer and pizza after we played (a traditional outing of the ultis). I also found out that there is a huge tournament this weekend. I will miss it on Saturday because of work, but Saturday night they are having an after-party at the Root Bar, complete with free beer and a blue-grass band. Some of you know of the glory of the Root Bar :-D, and you know who you are. Ultimate is famous, and maybe a little infamous, for it’s parties. It’s a two-day tournament so hopefully I will catch some of the action on Sunday. Although, I’ll probably end up spending time with Underground people; we will see.
It is such a different world living here. Instead of “The Jav”, the norm is to spend time at a pub in order to hang out & get to know someone. The half-time tradition of my ultimate team is for our captain to tell a “dirty” joke. I hardly notice swearing anymore. I shop at a grocery store where you can refill your shampoo bottle, and get checked out by a girl with dreads, a nose ring, and tattoos. It has been and will continue to be an adjustment; an adjustment of my attitude and my understanding of God and of people. I want to be free. Rob Bell has said “I’m convinced Christians need to throw better parties.” How true! There are people here who are more genuine, kinder, freer and honest about who they are than most Christians I know. I don’t want to be uptight. I don’t want to be easily offended. Jesus wasn’t. I want to see my experiences here the way he would see them. I want to throw better parties.

PS – another highlight of my week was watching a little boy of about 8 years enjoy some whip-cream from the can while his Mom was loading clothes at the Laundromat. Oh yes.

Loneliness...Community

It is the thirty-first day of July, year two thousand and seven.

I am and have been experiencing the deepest loneliness of my life over the past couple of months. I have been with an adequate number of people, and even now I type this I sit at the kitchen table beside my roommate. And yet, loneliness still lingers in the shadowed ally-ways of my soul. It is as if there is something quite profound absent from my life. I do not know what will bring about fulfillment.

All I do know is that the hope of fulfillment is the only thing that has kept me from the brink of depression these summer days. Ironic, isn’t it? Summer is supposed to be the season of carefree play and love. This year, my summer-sun has been crowded out by black & blue storm clouds.

When I am faced with this emptiness, I am faced with reality. I begin asking questions like “What am I doing with my life?” “Am I aiming for more than paying the bills?” “What am I doing outside myself?” “What am I delighting in?” “What is the significance of loneliness?” “What am I longing for?” “What is there worth longing for?” These metaphysical questions take on a new importance and urgency. I am forced to reevaluate, not only my life, but the meaning of all life: the purpose in Earth, sky, man, woman, ocean, sunshine, Africa, art, apples, kindness, pets, poverty, work, play, and everything common to man.

But then I realize, I am thinking too much. The real problem is not “why why why” – but purely that I am lonely. I have too much time on my hands, and I am alone. I was not made to be alone. I was made for communion. A single soul is a sad soul. It is when souls combine that a choir can form and rejoice. The Army is not really an army of one…but of many united by one goal. That is their strength. That should be their slogan. “Power in numbers,” I hear it all the time. Now I know it’s true.

You see, along with this loneliness, comes disenchantment. I have all these ideals, all these dreams of making an impact (no matter how small) on this Earth. But I’m like a race-car driver without a car, and without a pit-crew. When I’m by myself, the answers to the questions become jumbled. I forget my left from my right. I forget why I want to impact anything, and sometimes what I want to impact. But when I am not alone, when I am in community with like minded friends, I not only remember the answers, but why the answers make sense because I see the answer right in front of me: love. Love love love. Love is all you need. And Love is the answer.

And I’m not really even talking romantic love. I heard Shane Claiborne say in an interview “You can live without sex, but you can’t live without love.” An ancient phrase echoes this thought. It wisely states: “It is not good for man to be alone.” There is a catch, though. Togetherness, or love, only solves the crisis of loneliness if it works together towards a goal, and with a purpose. The first man was given a woman to help him in his task of naming the beasts and cultivating the Earth. God did not give the first man a woman simply for frolicking naked in the fields all day, or binging on the fruit of the garden. They had a task.

The task, the common goal, binds the hearts of people together. Relationships deepen as individuals work, side by side, with a common passion. Soon, it is hard to see two people. The two have merged. A body has been formed. Each part carrying out its task; a small tile in a beautiful mosaic. Life is full of paradoxes. One of the greatest is that fulfillment of self is most rightly found in the loss of self.

Tonight, as I began to type, I planned on philosophizing about loneliness and other issues of life. It seems, instead, I have only succeeded in establishing that which I already know: “It is not good for man to be alone.” For now, I can only wait for God to create an Eve in my life. Perhaps Adam had many frustrating months before his community magically appeared, flesh from his dreaming, answer to his night’s tears and prayers. God has his purpose in these months. So I’m going to try to be content with my discontent, and dream about my Eve, my community that is coming, and ask God what my task - our task, will be. Every Adam and Eve, every community, has its own unique task. Joseph and Mary were to parent the Messiah. Abraham and Sarah serve(d) as examples of faith for generations by following God on curvy paths, blindfolded. The disciples recorded Jesus’ life, and explained him to the next generation.

If you have been given your community, have you discovered your task? Are you lonely? Can you begin to dream, to sketch what the individuals around you could create as a body, in unity? Too long have we lived aimlessly and alone. We have forgotten what was spoken at the beginning. We have neglected Eve, and lost Eden.

We will sing the songs that awaken the dawn...

I got up UBER early this morning to go meet the people who started the Least of These ministry. Every Saturday, downtown, they feed a hot breakfast to Asheville's homeless. Today, however, it was raining, so no one was there. I got some coffee and came back home. Now I'm sitting in my kitchen listening to the rain and the birds in the trees outside our huge window. I wish I could insert a sound clip. It's so peaceful. The sound clip wouldn't do it justice, though. It's more the mood I'm in, combined with the start of a fresh day that makes it so ethereal.

I've been kind of restless lately. Patience is not a virtue I own...maybe one day? I haven't really met any friends here yet.
I've met a lot of great people, but no one like I thought I would meet in Asheville. Except yesterday at work, I met this guy who is an advocate for legalizing medical marijuanna....those kind of people - I thought I would be meeting them left and right. Facebook is no help when you are in a lonely kind of mood. It's just a place where people advertise how exciting their lives are. People's photos from cool trips, concerts, parties, or nights on the town don't help you keep perspective when it's Friday night and you don't have a single person you could call to hang out.

So I clicked out of FACEBOOK and onto blogger. It's cathartic. And so are the birds because it reminds me of this beautiful thing that Jesus said one time..."Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." And then I let it sink in that God cares for me more than I could ever imagine. He really does know me, better than I know myself. He knows that Enter the Worship Circle is my favorite band. He knows I love hippies but that I'm no good at being one. He knows that I want to get married. He knows that I want to have friends as crazy as Shane Claiborne who will really challenge me to actually follow Christ and not just theologize about it. He knows that I want to live in community. He knows that I want to graudate college before I'm 24. He knows my insecurites. He knows my failures. He knows my darkness. And he loves me anyway. He longs to be good to me - he IS good to me! And I can't wait to see what he does in the future.

In the meantime, it's just that whole patience thing. Afterall, I've only lived here two weeks today.


Random Opinion of the Day:
Amy's vegetarian breakfast patties are the best things I have tasted in the imitation meat market. I am about to have a killer breakfast, my friends.