Tony Mac

My computer has been officially named "Tony Mac."

I don't know if I will be able to convey the intensity of what I am about to say:

GOD LOVES YOU.

GOD IS REAL - AND GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE.

and we are FREE. and we are BELOVED. and we are TREASURED. and we are BEAUTIFUL. and we are PERFECT.

and by the blood of JESUS we are GOLDEN.

no worries.

none at all.

"Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey."

To every artist, every person bound by the chains of drug use, to every one down-and-out, to every child not loved as they should be, to every woman not loved as she should be, to every homeless, wreckless, hopeless ....

GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE. NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST YOU WILL PROSPER.

and that's a message straight from worship at the Body to your ears. Digest it.

Busy Busy

It's been SO long since I've updated. There is no way I could accurately convey all the ridiculous (in the best way possible) things that have taken place here in Asheville lately.

I've been really busy...hanging out with my boyfriend! Seems kind of weird to post about, but it's a big part of what's been going down here lately. His name is John Mahshie and he loves Jesus, and God's brought our paths together. Pretty cool. What am I saying? It's ridiculously outta control cool!

I have transitioned from Missio Dei to The Body. The Body has an amazing ministry downtown, and it's been so awesome to become a part of what's happening there. I know I am about to learn a whole heck of a lot!

So many exclamation points!

Also, I withdrew from UNCA. I felt like it was hindering, rather than helping, me reach my photography goals. Plus, it was just not where I needed to be. I start working full time at Olan Mills today! I hope you all realize how impossibly amazing it is that Olan Mills just happened to be hiring right as I decide to leave school. God is so freaking faithful!

I love you all. Peace in the Middle East.

~ Nicola

His love is really really real.

As you might be able to tell from the last post, my adjustment to being here in Asheville was far from easy and I handled it in a less than glorious manner. I got stuck in this gross sin cycle of self pity and selfishness and I don't even know what else. Gross stuff. But I am so glad to be here. And, recently, I have met a bunch of wonderful people and have been introduced to this church called "The Body" which is outta control! It's everything I dreamed of being a part of when I moved up here.

I can't post too much now, more to come later.

peace in the middle east,
Nicola

Gus and the Great Adjustment

Gus is my neighbor. On September 19th she will turn 93 years old. The only thing that doesn't work is "from [her] knees down" but she doesn't complain because "they've been holding [her] up for a long time." Gus became a Christian at the age of 10. She has read through the bible 54 times and is currently on her 55th. She is the last surviving member of her family. Her sister died in the chair that I sat in, "right there, in [her] arms." She met her husband at a party. He walked her home, and "that's where it started." He died after 12 short years of marriage. She raised her kids, took care of her elderly parents, ran the choir, and worked at Woolworth's for 47 years. She told me she loved me as I left her house. I love her too.

I'm sorry It's been so long since I've last posted. I don't have any excuse except for...well, that would negate the first part of that sentence, huh?

I have struggled in my adjustment here. It is a good struggle, like the salmon that struggle up stream towards life. I'm struggling, but that doesn't mean the struggle is to my detriment. I find myself asking old familiar questions, and now I am dealing with the answers in a completely different context. The context adds complication to formerly convenient answers.

For instance, Friday night I went out with my roomie and some friends. Part of our conversation was about the Bible and how reliable it is. I listened to some pretty convincing arguments concerning its credibility as a piece of literature, and agreed that it often is put on the same level as God when it should not be. Then, on Saturday night, I hung out with Gus who has read the Bible 54 times and is more alone than I ever want to be, and more content than I could ever hope to be.

I am surrounded by blatant sin, but stand perplexed because it doesn't look as "bad" as I had been told it would. In fact, it's pretty attractive in a lot of ways. Idolaters are some of the nicest people I know.

There is an incredible spiritual dialogue taking place in Asheville. I want to enter into that dialogue and attest to the beauty and hope found in Jesus, but I find myself thinking: "What right do I have to assert my beliefs? What do I really know, anyway?" It's not that I doubt the reality of Jesus (of course, I have plenty of moments of doubt, but overall, I'm owned), but I rather doubt my ability to enter in and say, "This is what I know..." without sounding superior. That's the last thing I want, because that's the last thing I am. I am not superior. I am a beggar in the Kingdom of God. I beg daily for my bread, for the grace to believe, the grace to be faithful, the grace to understand this great mystery called redemption...

This phase of struggling is good, but very strange. Even though I'm asking questions I've asked before, the setting of Asheville makes me consider them in whole new way. If you are reading this and you are my friend, please don't think I'm forsaking the Gospel or getting "sucked in" to the crock pot of Ashevillian Spirituality. I'm not. At the end of the day, I always conclude that without Jesus there is absolutely no hope, no purpose, no beauty. But during the day, I wonder what that looks like, and how it should apply to my life. It's a messy process of prayer, discussion, listening, reading, and questioning.

"Winter Light"

Last night I watched Ingmar Bergman's "Winter Light." A very brutal summary of the film: Bergman portrays a pastor realizing that he doesn't really believe in God and maybe never did. There is a very pivotal moment where the Pastor asks himself, "If God doesn't exist, does it really make any difference?" Absurdities remain absurdities and atrocities actually become more simple because they are not complicated by the Divine.

But I wondered, what about the opposite question: If God does exist, does it make any difference?


Something to consider as you fall asleep :-D

...

We each have a dream...

I lied. There will be no pictures of the play in this issue...I still haven't uploaded them to the Mac.

Wowee what a day. This was my second weekend gathering with the people of Missio Dei. I am blown away by their hearts. They have only been here around 9 months and moved to Asheville for basically the same reason I did....they like it here and God told them to. They have a real burden for the city and lots of vision and plans for getting involved in the community. It is great to be in unity with people of vision. We spent a long time in prayer today...another thing I like: they recognize the importance of prayer and dependance on the Spririt. I find I talk and think about praying and depending on the Spirit, but practice both a lot less. That needs to change...

I can be a real ditz sometimes. I was sitting here wondering what weird noise I was hearing. It was getting louder and louder...

I do enjoy a good cup 'o tea before bed. It was the boiling tea-pot. Moving on...

I just started reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's "Life Together." It's a book all about living in community with other believers. This is something I desperately want to experience in my life, probably long-term, as a lifestyle. I would love to have a house close to dowtown Asheville with other believers. I have shared this dream with some of you. I imagine a house vibrant with the love of Jesus and love for one another that is very involved in the community and the lives of our neighbors. It's a complicated dream, but not impossible. Sarah Kilgore prophesied that people would come along-side me to help shoulder the vision; this encourages me. She mentioned it in conversation at the dinner table, but it was a phrase annointed by God...it was prophecy.

Classes start tommorow for me...the door to a whole other realm of experiences is about to open. here we go!

"We each have a dream, a vision of life that corresponds to our convictions, embodies our uniqueness, and expresses what is life-giving within us...A life of integrity is born of fidelity to the dream." Brennan Manning

Agony of Da-Feet

I haven't forgotten about this blog! It's been on my mind to update for a while, but I feel defeated before I begin because so much has happened I don't know how or what to say without writing an entire book. Since the last blog, I have travelled to N. Georgia and back to Statesville, with lots of lovely experiences in-between and on the way.

A dream of my life came true on Monday, August 6th. I saw 100 Portraits live @ the Kilgore homestead. People that I love dearly gathered at a home I call a second home to listen to my favorite musicians - how perfect?!? Ben and Robin Pasley make up the band 100 Portraits (www.100portraits.com). They are so secure in and freed by the love of Jesus...they literally radiate with his love, and it's a beautiful thing. I pray that I will one day actually let God love me like that, to believe that he wants to. I have had this song stuck in my head, and in my CD-player since the show:

"When you found me hiding out, I thought you would take a hammer to my brow, but you pushed away the crowd and cried and pressed your lips against my head..."

Overall, the summer has just been one gigantic message from God of "I really do freaking love you Nicole, more than you could know, and more than you will let yourself experience."

I am almost done with Brenan Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel. The whole "God loves you passionately" bit is the theme of his book too. I am so perplexed as to why I find it so hard to believe? Why is it such a struggle to remain in God's love? Any thoughts?

Along that line, I was thinking about my Grandpa Tony the other day. When he was alive, he loved me purely, and I never doubted it. The thing is, though, that he loved me simply for being alive. It's like that with families...or, it should be like that with families. In a family, you are loved just because you "are." I think that's why God has placed us in families; so that we can learn that love isn't earned, it's a free gift, there are no strings attached, you don't have to jump through hoops to get it.

I have done a lot of sighing over the past couple of months. Deep sighs of longing for more of God's love. It's there for the taking.

So, I continue to realize I am religious and not really in love with God like I should be. I continue to discover more and more areas of my heart that need to be freed, and unbound. It's a long road, but a good one.

Welp. That's all I know. Actually, there is lots more, but my battery is dying and I am tired. Two dying batteries. I have to get up early tommorow to REGISTER for classes at UNCA. waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Next issue: pics from 100 Portraits and Cyrano DeBergerac in the Monford park, and a lesson I learned from a melon.

My First Official...

DRUM CIRCLE!

Last night, I attended my first official drum circle as an Asheville resident. For those of you who don't know - every Friday night AVL residents (and some tourists) gather at a park downtown to drum and dance for a good three to four hours. I was at home working on a sketch that wasn't turning out so good when I remembered that it was drum circle night. I spotted my friend Regina (again!) almost as soon as I arrived at the park. I sat on the mulch on the out-skirts of the circle for long time observing and praying. The drum circle is a spiritually intense event. In my mind, watching the passion of the people as they dance and beat their drums with such fervor, it is a visiual of people who are desperate for the reality of God. I spent about twenty minutes debating whether or not I was going to get up and dance. I really wanted to - I love to dance - but the wretched demon of public opionion, which too often keeps me from truly living, was trying to hold me back. I decided, however, that if I, as one who knows Jesus and his love, as one who rests securely in that place, if I can not get up and dance with freedom and with joy for being alive...then who can, really? If these people who do not know Jesus can get out and dance simply because they are happy to be alive, then I should certainly be able to dance! So I did. I also made friends with Luke, Regina's two-year-old boy and together we danced like crazy. It is a beautiful thing when a child opens up to you and trusts you as a friend. It makes me think of how God must feel when we hold our hands up to dance with him, in a simple act of trust.

I found myself wishing that the ones I love the most could be there dancing crazy with me. Julianne, Coda, Crystal, Lynz, Amanda, Allison, Kori, Sarah, GCF folks, Beth, and espeically Katie Wetmore (her dancing skills are quite impressive).

I also thought: this is the type of gathering that Christians should have on a regular basis. People who know Jesus and his beautiful, life-giving love should be dancing like crazy people in the park, yelling, and beating drums as hard as they can. Shouldn't we? Shouldn't we be the people that are so free, and so excited, so full of joy that we just can't contain it?

Damn straight. Like the last post said: we should throw better parties. The Drum Circle only confirmed this.

Let's start throwing better parties

The past couple of days were supposed to be boring, but ended up being pretty jam-packed. I guess I never realized it, but I like being busy. I like having projects, tasks, meetings, events, and just enough peaceful time thrown into the mix.
Tuesday and Thursday I rode my bike into town. This has been a very rewarding experience. Bike riding slows me down, quite literally, and I am able to take better notice of what’s around me, as compared to whizzing by everything at 40 MPH. Grant it, I have had a little extra time on my hands lately, so biking might not be the practical form of transportation all the time. However, I plan on doing it as often as I can. It’s one of those “little things” (Mother Teresa) I can do individually to make a positive impact on the environment and society. It makes a positive impact on my body, too, which is a nice side effect.
I wasn’t exactly sure how long it would take me to get downtown, and I ended up arriving a bit early. I was headed to a restaurant at 2:30 to turn in an application. Since I arrived early, I had time to wash up and spray some perfume on in the bathroom at the Mast General Store (you work up a good sweat walking & biking four miles in August). Refreshed, I checked out some stores that I had wanted to look around in. At one store, I ended up talking with a very nice woman named Tammy for quite a while. I hope to remain friends with her. It’s easy to maintain friendships here once you establish them. It’s a large city with a small town feel.
The next day, I stopped by her store again and we chatted a while longer. I also went to the French Broad Food Co-Op Organic farmer’s market. Ever since I was a little girl, I have associated certain things with a very romanticized aura. Lattes, walking a dog in a park, rocking chairs, tea, sun-dresses, bakeries, and apparently, organic open-air markets all elicit feelings of the beautiful, good, and romantic. There I was, in Asheville, a city of art and activists, I had ridden my bike into town, and was now walking around a parking lot full of organic farmers chatting with people they knew by name. It was a surreal moment for me. People were selling beautifully bright flowers, red ripe tomatoes, crisp green beans, and all other kinds of treasures grown from God’s earth.
Lately, when I pray at meals, I have been trying to pray very conscious that my food comes directly from God. I usually tell God something like this “Thank you, Father, that I have dinner. Thank you for the rain that nourished the ground and caused this food to grow. Thank you for the people, that you made, that cultivated the land. Thank you that this food goes into my body and makes me strong and healthy and gives me energy. Thank you for how you provide for my needs.” It has been a very edifying thing to really make myself think about the origins of the food I’m eating. It has taken what used to be a common moment of the day and transformed it into a really spiritual moment of thanksgiving with the Lord. And it reminds me of the goodness of the Lord, which, for me, is a hard concept to digest.
My back-pack full of potatoes, green-beans, hummus, grapes, and corn chips, I decided to head back home to shower and enjoy the spoils. I had parked my bike right in front of the Asian Bistro. As I approached my bike, I realized a friend I had made through The Underground was having lunch directly in front of where I had parked at the restaurant’s outdoor seating. I couldn’t remember her name. I was torn between Gina and Katrina…Regina invited me to join her. I sipped some water and, among other things, we talked about UNCA where she is an art major. Hydrated, we hugged and parted, and I pedaled my little self back to the house where I was glad to take a cold shower.
Later that night I headed out (by car :-D ) to play Frisbee. I know I’ve already mentioned it, but I love Frisbee people! It is such a great community. God’s beautiful orchestration of events continues to amaze me. Just like my bike being parked right in front of Regina’s choice for lunch, another friend from The Underground, Jenny, has an Uncle who ended up being one of the top-dogs in the Frisbee league. He invited me for beer and pizza after we played (a traditional outing of the ultis). I also found out that there is a huge tournament this weekend. I will miss it on Saturday because of work, but Saturday night they are having an after-party at the Root Bar, complete with free beer and a blue-grass band. Some of you know of the glory of the Root Bar :-D, and you know who you are. Ultimate is famous, and maybe a little infamous, for it’s parties. It’s a two-day tournament so hopefully I will catch some of the action on Sunday. Although, I’ll probably end up spending time with Underground people; we will see.
It is such a different world living here. Instead of “The Jav”, the norm is to spend time at a pub in order to hang out & get to know someone. The half-time tradition of my ultimate team is for our captain to tell a “dirty” joke. I hardly notice swearing anymore. I shop at a grocery store where you can refill your shampoo bottle, and get checked out by a girl with dreads, a nose ring, and tattoos. It has been and will continue to be an adjustment; an adjustment of my attitude and my understanding of God and of people. I want to be free. Rob Bell has said “I’m convinced Christians need to throw better parties.” How true! There are people here who are more genuine, kinder, freer and honest about who they are than most Christians I know. I don’t want to be uptight. I don’t want to be easily offended. Jesus wasn’t. I want to see my experiences here the way he would see them. I want to throw better parties.

PS – another highlight of my week was watching a little boy of about 8 years enjoy some whip-cream from the can while his Mom was loading clothes at the Laundromat. Oh yes.

Loneliness...Community

It is the thirty-first day of July, year two thousand and seven.

I am and have been experiencing the deepest loneliness of my life over the past couple of months. I have been with an adequate number of people, and even now I type this I sit at the kitchen table beside my roommate. And yet, loneliness still lingers in the shadowed ally-ways of my soul. It is as if there is something quite profound absent from my life. I do not know what will bring about fulfillment.

All I do know is that the hope of fulfillment is the only thing that has kept me from the brink of depression these summer days. Ironic, isn’t it? Summer is supposed to be the season of carefree play and love. This year, my summer-sun has been crowded out by black & blue storm clouds.

When I am faced with this emptiness, I am faced with reality. I begin asking questions like “What am I doing with my life?” “Am I aiming for more than paying the bills?” “What am I doing outside myself?” “What am I delighting in?” “What is the significance of loneliness?” “What am I longing for?” “What is there worth longing for?” These metaphysical questions take on a new importance and urgency. I am forced to reevaluate, not only my life, but the meaning of all life: the purpose in Earth, sky, man, woman, ocean, sunshine, Africa, art, apples, kindness, pets, poverty, work, play, and everything common to man.

But then I realize, I am thinking too much. The real problem is not “why why why” – but purely that I am lonely. I have too much time on my hands, and I am alone. I was not made to be alone. I was made for communion. A single soul is a sad soul. It is when souls combine that a choir can form and rejoice. The Army is not really an army of one…but of many united by one goal. That is their strength. That should be their slogan. “Power in numbers,” I hear it all the time. Now I know it’s true.

You see, along with this loneliness, comes disenchantment. I have all these ideals, all these dreams of making an impact (no matter how small) on this Earth. But I’m like a race-car driver without a car, and without a pit-crew. When I’m by myself, the answers to the questions become jumbled. I forget my left from my right. I forget why I want to impact anything, and sometimes what I want to impact. But when I am not alone, when I am in community with like minded friends, I not only remember the answers, but why the answers make sense because I see the answer right in front of me: love. Love love love. Love is all you need. And Love is the answer.

And I’m not really even talking romantic love. I heard Shane Claiborne say in an interview “You can live without sex, but you can’t live without love.” An ancient phrase echoes this thought. It wisely states: “It is not good for man to be alone.” There is a catch, though. Togetherness, or love, only solves the crisis of loneliness if it works together towards a goal, and with a purpose. The first man was given a woman to help him in his task of naming the beasts and cultivating the Earth. God did not give the first man a woman simply for frolicking naked in the fields all day, or binging on the fruit of the garden. They had a task.

The task, the common goal, binds the hearts of people together. Relationships deepen as individuals work, side by side, with a common passion. Soon, it is hard to see two people. The two have merged. A body has been formed. Each part carrying out its task; a small tile in a beautiful mosaic. Life is full of paradoxes. One of the greatest is that fulfillment of self is most rightly found in the loss of self.

Tonight, as I began to type, I planned on philosophizing about loneliness and other issues of life. It seems, instead, I have only succeeded in establishing that which I already know: “It is not good for man to be alone.” For now, I can only wait for God to create an Eve in my life. Perhaps Adam had many frustrating months before his community magically appeared, flesh from his dreaming, answer to his night’s tears and prayers. God has his purpose in these months. So I’m going to try to be content with my discontent, and dream about my Eve, my community that is coming, and ask God what my task - our task, will be. Every Adam and Eve, every community, has its own unique task. Joseph and Mary were to parent the Messiah. Abraham and Sarah serve(d) as examples of faith for generations by following God on curvy paths, blindfolded. The disciples recorded Jesus’ life, and explained him to the next generation.

If you have been given your community, have you discovered your task? Are you lonely? Can you begin to dream, to sketch what the individuals around you could create as a body, in unity? Too long have we lived aimlessly and alone. We have forgotten what was spoken at the beginning. We have neglected Eve, and lost Eden.

We will sing the songs that awaken the dawn...

I got up UBER early this morning to go meet the people who started the Least of These ministry. Every Saturday, downtown, they feed a hot breakfast to Asheville's homeless. Today, however, it was raining, so no one was there. I got some coffee and came back home. Now I'm sitting in my kitchen listening to the rain and the birds in the trees outside our huge window. I wish I could insert a sound clip. It's so peaceful. The sound clip wouldn't do it justice, though. It's more the mood I'm in, combined with the start of a fresh day that makes it so ethereal.

I've been kind of restless lately. Patience is not a virtue I own...maybe one day? I haven't really met any friends here yet.
I've met a lot of great people, but no one like I thought I would meet in Asheville. Except yesterday at work, I met this guy who is an advocate for legalizing medical marijuanna....those kind of people - I thought I would be meeting them left and right. Facebook is no help when you are in a lonely kind of mood. It's just a place where people advertise how exciting their lives are. People's photos from cool trips, concerts, parties, or nights on the town don't help you keep perspective when it's Friday night and you don't have a single person you could call to hang out.

So I clicked out of FACEBOOK and onto blogger. It's cathartic. And so are the birds because it reminds me of this beautiful thing that Jesus said one time..."Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." And then I let it sink in that God cares for me more than I could ever imagine. He really does know me, better than I know myself. He knows that Enter the Worship Circle is my favorite band. He knows I love hippies but that I'm no good at being one. He knows that I want to get married. He knows that I want to have friends as crazy as Shane Claiborne who will really challenge me to actually follow Christ and not just theologize about it. He knows that I want to live in community. He knows that I want to graudate college before I'm 24. He knows my insecurites. He knows my failures. He knows my darkness. And he loves me anyway. He longs to be good to me - he IS good to me! And I can't wait to see what he does in the future.

In the meantime, it's just that whole patience thing. Afterall, I've only lived here two weeks today.


Random Opinion of the Day:
Amy's vegetarian breakfast patties are the best things I have tasted in the imitation meat market. I am about to have a killer breakfast, my friends.

फिरे इन मय एअर, फिरे इन मय हार्ट

"Fire in my ears, Fire in my heart"

I ear-candled my ears last night. Just in case you have not heard of this wonderful invention, an ear candle is a cone-shaped piece of cheese-cloth wrapped in wax and pointed on the end. You set the opposite end on fire and place the pointed part in your ear. The ear candle then proceeds to magically melt and vacuum all of the wax-buildup from your ears. For some unknown reason, I decided to begin this process at 12 AM last night. It's not a fast process, either. So here I am, midnight, head tilted to the side resting on my hand, there's a huge flame coming out of my ear, and it is all I can do to stay awake. I had to keep telling myself: "You can not fall asleep with fire in your ear!" In the end the near "death-by-ear-candle" experience was worth it because my ears have been really bothering me lately and they have felt great all day.

Another kind of fire has begun burning in me again. After I moved here, I really took my eyes off of God and began to let myself be consumed by the cares of the world. I spent all my time job-hunting, stressing about how I was being perceived, and throwing a pity party of loneliness. Throughout this entire process, however, God has been nothing but attentive and faithful even though I was neglecting him completely. Finally, last night, I put on Misty Edwards and let myself just "be" with God. I miss him, and I want him to re-kindle my heart so that it eats, breathes, and sleeps for the Kingdom.

So far:
- Given a house
- Given a job
- Given a Frisbee team

And tonight I think God is introducing me to a community of like-minded people whom I will soon call friends.

I love it here, but really I just love that God is involved in every detail and aspect of my life.

PS - I have NO idea why the title is coming up in another language, ha.

Quaker's & Frisbee

Last night I did two exciting things. I found out about this Quaker church through Relevant Magazine's church directory. I contacted them and the Pastor called me back inviting me to their Wednesday night meeting. They've been reading "A Generous Orthodoxy" by Brian McLaren and discussing issues raised in the book. It was a small gathering. Two couples, the pastor, and me. One lady raised a question that I thought particularly interesting. They were discussing McLaren's chapter on the connotations of the word "Evangelical" and how, for many, that is a negative word that equals fundamentalist, close minded conservative, or perhaps bigot. She was saying that, before she was a Christian, she hated the talks she would have with believers about the Lord and the way they would present "the plan of salvation" to her in such a pre-packaged manner. However, after she came to know Jesus she found herself on the other side of the fence participating in the things which she found so intolerable before she was a believer. "I wonder how that happened?" She asked. My response was that there is a lack of good alternatives. This lady (Colleen) really had been saved by Jesus, but once given new life, she had no where to turn but to the Church which was saturated with formuals, codes of conduct, and so many other religious burdens that have little to do with actually following Jesus. Shane Claiborne has a great quote: "Be the church you dream of." That's the real solution to Colleen's question. If we begin to truly live as followers of Christ, as people under grace, God will build us into a family that welcomes new believers like Colleen and nurtures the new life within them, but doesn't turn them into some kind of spiritual robot or salesman.

After I left the group, I rushed home, changed clothes, and looked up directions to go play ULTIMATE! I arrived at the field and was shocked by the amount of people there - TONS! I ended up playing with a team that had an open spot. They invited me to join them on a regular basis. I love frisbee culture. Everyone has a really great attitude, and it was a great time of making new friends. As I stood on the field I looked out to my right and saw downtown Asheville all lit up in the dusk sky with the silhouette of towering mountains in the background. I was overwhelmed by the fact that I'm actually living in such a beautiful, exciting city.

Praise!

Biking, Job Hunting, Downtown Walking...Feeling Awkward

The first picture is the view from the end of my road. Also, the house God has blessed me with, and the bike that I affectionately named "Tech-Trek."

The other day I went for my first bike ride. I live 4 miles (roundtrip) from the coffee-shop I want to work at. I attached the blinking safety lights my Grandma gave me to my bike and took off. I love biking. I was a little sweaty once I got to the place, though. I planned on hanging out a while and getting some things done on-line, but I checked weather.com and it said that thunderstorms were sure to roll in, so I didn't hang around long. I didn't want to get stranded. That's the only thing about bike-riding...the possibility of uncooperative weather.

I am still job hunting. It is a process that I don't particularly like. Something about it makes me feel very insecure. I've been dealing with insecurity since I've been here. I guess, it's just that I'm in a new town by myself. When I get insecure I get awkward and quiet. I try to guard myself instead of realizing that there's really nothing to guard. I've been working on chilling out and just "being." God is with me here, and I have no need to feel insecure. It's not stupid if I get lost in the city...I'm new here. It's OK if I don't know how to read the menu at the Drippolator: I'm new here. It's OK that I'm not totally comfortable walking around downtown by myself yet: I'm new here.

Today, I passed this guy on the sidewalk, a normal earthy type guy who looked about my age or a little older. He asked me if I had a pen. I said no. I was only carrying my keys. He looked at me and asked, "I don't know you, do I?" And I replied, "No, that's OK." I meant, it's OK that you asked to borrow a pen even though you don't know me....but I dont' think it made any sense. I am just SO awkward when I'm nervous. I should have responded "No, you don't, I'm Nicole..." and who knows, I might have had a new friend. Or maybe that would have been even more awkward...who knows.

Getting to know people is difficult. This has been a good experience though, God is trying to shed me of unnecessary insecurity.

Tonight I am going to the City View Quaker's church. I am really excited about this. I left a message at the church and the Pastor called me today. They are a small congregation of about 20 people. They are reading Brian McLaren's book "A Generous Orthodoxy." I found out about them through Relevant Magazine's church directory. From what I can tell, they seem like my kind of people, and I'm really excited about meeting them. He said they have been going straight through the Bible before they started discussing McLaren's book. From what I can tell they are very Biblically based but real. More updates after I go, I guess.

Keep praying that I find a job. I'm confident God will provide, he always does.

Love,
Nicola

"Hell, I'll buy her fries."

I moved into my house yesterday. It is so incredible. It was built in the 1920's and has hardwood floors, lots of trees and a big roomie kitchen. Best of all, it's close to everything. My roomie's Dad is putting in this beautiful tile in the bathroom, laundry room, and the kitchen. It's a little bit of a wreck right now as we're still moving stuff in and finishing some projects. Give it a month and it's going to be one sweet little casa.

After a full day of moving in, my roommate Kellie invited me to go downton with her and her friend Kristin. Asheville comes alive at night, boy! It was great. There were people everywhere. We tried to go to this really nice restaurant called Carmelos, but they wouldn't serve us at the bar because, even though we're all over 21, we still have the "under 21" license (PS - they are pretty much the only place in town that has this policy). So then we proceeded to go to Jack of the Wood which is a great little pub that brews their own beer and has great live folk and bluegrass music almost every night. I enjoyed having dinner with the girls. Kristin mentioned something about church and our conversation took a turn that I know was from God. My prayer since I've been here is that God would provide me with like-minded friends and people that I could connect with. Kristin invited me to go to church with her the next day. I decided I would fo-sho. I had prayed about whether or not I should go to church the next day and if I should - where? Well - here was my answer. We continued talking and eating.

Please understand that pride is one of my vices. I have come a long way from where I was in high-school (pretty much a bigot). But, when I take my eyes off Jesus and the cross and focus on myself I tend to get this idea that I'm a lot better person than I actually am. So, despite my best attempts to ward it off, there is still a small part of me that does come to Asheville as a crusader and thinking that I'm a better follower of Jesus than others.

Holy Spirit is really good about knocking me off my high-horse though. After we left Jack of the Wood, we passed a lady on the sidewalk who asked for something. I wasn't really listening to her, and was going to just keep walking, ignoring her. Kristin, however, stopped long enough to actually hear what the woman said. "Can ya'll buy me some fries?" We proceeded to follow Kristin into the bar where she bought the lady some fries. The lady's name was Gladys. I'm sure she was probably just a real person, but a small part of me thinks she was an angel put there by God to test my stupid, uncaring, only-wanting-to-protect myself-heart. So Kristin was Jesus to Gladys. And I was a hard-hearted fool.

I am in the city now, and there are lots of homeless people, and lots of people looking for handouts. I know I have to learn in what way to be Jesus to these people, and how to interact with them. But like Kristin said "I wouldn't just give them money to contribute to some kind of alcoholism or something, but fries? Hell, I'll buy her fries."

We continued bar hopping, which was quite an experience. Formerly, this would have been a very tabboo and terrible thing for me to participate in, but really, it was a lot of fun. I only bought one drink the whole night - alcohol is really expensive and has lots of calories! It was a great time getting to know my roommate and Kristin and then some of their other friends. I am learning to kind of check my preconceptions at the door. I am learning that, in Christ, I do have freedom because He goes with me wherever I go. I could have been a prude and stayed at the house, but I really wanted to hang out and get to know people. So I went, Jesus went with me, and it was a great night.

This morning I went to Kristin's Methodist church. I haven't been to a traditional church in quite a while. However, I really enjoyed singing the hymns. We sang some great ones, including "Victory in Jesus" and "Take My Life and Let It Be." It was an older congregation, and a beautiful church with a huge cathedral ceiling. The sermon was great. The Pastor spoke from John 1 about Nathaniel's response about Jesus "Nazareth? Can anything good come from Nazareth?" It was sort of about how God shows up in the most unexpected places, which is exactly what I've been thinking about lately. I probably won't continue to go there, but I got to meet the Pastor afterwards. He had mentioned this guy in Philidelphia that has a homeless ministry, and it reminded me of Shane Claiborne. Turns out, he knew all about Shane and the Simple Way and knows some people who are wanting to start up something similiar right here, in Asheville. CAN YOU STINKIN BELIEVE THAT!?! For all of you who have prayed, thanks. God has answered. After one day in Asheville, I allready have a contact for like-minded believers.

God truly is awesome. And I truly have to pee after this green-tea.

Peace in Christ alone,
Nicola

Why the blog, why the title?

As most of you know, I have recently felt the calling of God to live in Asheville and I am moving there on the 15th. I started to sense God's calling a year ago after I visited Asheville for the first time since I was a kid. It was the summer of '06. I was working at a camp called "Crossroads Worldwide." I had heard that there is a drum circle every Friday night in downtown Asheville, so I convinced a couple of staff to drive up to Asheville for the night to check it out. I lovingly call Asheville "Hippie Town USA." I can remember in high-school being drawn towards the whole hippie/granola culture. I would take trips to Boone with friends (another NC hippie-mountain town) and just marvel at the people and the culture, like a kid staring at a window display of shiny new toys. I know most of this sounds pretty strange, but what can I say, sometimes God's calling is stange. No - MOST of the time his calling is strange. My point is that even from a young age I can see God preparing me and placing a love in me for a certain kind of people. Although I loved this culture, I always felt like an outsider. In high school I played tennis and wore American Eagle t-shirts. I still like to play tennis, but I'd rather play ultimate frisbee. I have undergone a pretty major transformation since those days. I went to college and my world was turned upside down. It was definitely a "spread your wings" experience for me. I had the chance to really search out who I was and who God was making me. To make an incredibly long story short, I no longer feel like an outsider to the granola culture.....at all! And, I have been set free from the deadly trappings of religion. I still have lots to learn and more freedom to gain. I am not going to Asheville with an agenda or to save anyone. Had I gone in high-school, I would have gone as a conservative crusader there to save the "sad" new-age, homosexual, liberal people. Now, I'm just going because I'm supposed to. I'm going to learn more about who Jesus is and where he is. He is always in the most unexpected place. I'm going to learn more about love and the way of the Cross. I chose the title of this blog because it speaks to the place that I'm at in my life right now. I am being awakend to the great JOY of knowing Jesus. It's not a burden. Indeed his yoke is easy and his burden light. It's a burden that makes me want to dance and shout and smile and kiss a total stranger smack on the lips (like the famous picture of the soldier at the end of WWII). For too long, I have not known God. I thought he was angry and stiff and dissappointed at my every mistake. But I am learning that the God I serve is a God that is truly worthy of praise. Joyful praise. Because He is the God of the Cross and of limitless mercy, grace and love. And that's real folks, it's not just an idea. SO - welcome to my blog of my awakening joy in Asheville, NC.

God's peace,
Nicole

"The living presence of Jesus awakened joy and set people free. Joy was in fact the most characteristic result of all His ministry to ragamuffins." ~ Brennan Manning, THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL